When I hear local news reports on the radio, I tend to see in my mind these stock, more or less cartoonish images. Images which repeat themselves time and again, I suppose because the same elements turn up so often in local news stories time and again.
So-and-so "lost control of the car": The steering wheel suddenly comes off in the horrified driver's hands, completely detached from the steering column.
The car "left the road at a high rate of speed": The wheels fold up into the body of the car as it lifts off into the air, like a VTOL aircraft, with flames roaring out of rocket ports in back.
Police "charged the driver with inattentive driving": (1) Driver reading a paperback, ignoring everything else as the car barrels down the road on autopilot. (2) Police are delivering an electric jolt to the apprehended driver with a taser-like device as they "charge" him (zap!) for his driving.
The robber "displayed a gun to the bank teller": A smiling robber holds up a gun which is locked inside a portable glass and wood display case.
The robber then "fled the scene": With the stationary robber's feet churning in place, windmill-like, for several seconds before he suddenly takes off like a shot, just like the way they always depict a cartoon character who is starting to run.
The victim "was pronounced dead at the hospital": A bishop in full regalia, wearing a bishop's miter on his head, is chanting a formula out of a liturgical book ("Hoy-yi-yi-yi-yi!") as the deceased, lying in a hospital bed, calls out, "I'm not dead yet!" But, you see, the bishop is "pronouncing" him dead...
The victim "was dead": Is lying there flat on his back, with his hands folded across his chest holding an Easter lily.
The victim "passed away": Holding an Easter lily on his chest, he suddenly levitates into the air and goes gliding silently out the window, floating off toward an undisclosed destination.
The victim "passed away peacefully, surrounded by his family": The family is standing in a circle, all around the bed, wearing simpering moronic smiles as the deceased, clutching an Easter lily to his chest, suddenly levitates into the air and goes gliding out the window.
So-and-so "was suspended with pay pending an investigation": Hanging by a pulley from the ceiling, suspended in mid-air, a hook through the back of his suspenders, while he clutches a wad of bills in his hand.
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The victim "passed away after a long battle with cancer": Lying there flat on his back in bed, wearing a Rambo sweatband on his head, and firing a machine gun up into the ceiling.
The victim "passed away surrounded by family, after a long battle with cancer": The family is standing in a circle, all around the bed, wearing simpering moronic smiles, as the deceased, lying in bed and wearing a Rambo sweatband on his head, fires a machine gun up into the ceiling.
So-and-so "was treated at the hospital and released": Person sitting there wearing a hospital gown and eating an ice cream cone.
And on radio commercials...
Our salespeople "are friendly": They'll come to your backyard barbecue!
The staff at our dental clinic "are friendly": They'll come to your backyard barbecue!
Talking bugs: Any agricultural or pesticide commercial must feature talking bugs, which usually end up dispatched to bug heaven.
Geico: Non sequitur featuring a talking lizard with an annoying Australian accent. "Once Oi was buried beneath moi taxes faw' six days!" But hey, I'll buy their insurance, because talking lizard.
CEO of Powerswabs, "will turn your teeth two shades lighter in five minutes and six shades lighter in seven days!": Who were those two frauds in Mark Twain's Huckleberry Finn, who sold some patent medicine that would take the tartar right off your teeth, "and it did, and it generally took the enamel off too"?
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